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Friday, February 1, 2002

Elephants, Ants, & Being Macho

Hi, Friends:

Do you remember that children's song that says, "Way down south in the land of bananas an ant step on an elephants toe. The elephant cried with tears in his eyes, why don't you pick on somebody your own darn size." I'd like to share with you my version of that song that happen to me during the recent holidays.

Each Christmas, my kids and I like to celebrate by giving something back to nature. So, this Christmas we decided to set an iguana free. We were on a cruise ship and when we stopped in Miami, we began our search for the iguana.

It probably isn't as difficult a quest as I thought it was but we looked through many pet shops and eventually we found an iguana that was about twenty miles away. Now we had to get two cabs because we were a party of seven. Two hundred dollars later we had an iguana that cost eight bucks.

My kids felt the Bahamas would be a good place for an iguana to live. So we took the iguana on board the ship, he stayed with us for a night in a nice suite, and I guess he appreciated that.

The next morning we took a cab to find a place to live in the Bahamas. The cab driver thought we had escaped from a mental institution but he took us to a luxurious golf course community. In his professional opinion, this would make a good home for an iguana.

We decided to set the iguana free there. We went into the woods and placed him on a tree. We took some pictures and said good-bye to the iguana. We'd gotten attached to him during the last 24 hours. It was at that tender moment - music would have been playing in the movies - that Alexander step into an ant farm.

He started screaming that the ants were biting him. I'm saying, "Alexander it's no big deal, it's just ants, they don't really bite." I'm trying to be macho and teach him how strong men should be, so I stick my hand into that colony of ants to show him that ants just tickle. Well I guess they were ants with an attitude because they were biting real hard. So now, two of us are screaming with tears in our eyes, and now the iguana is looking at us as if we escaped from the mental institution, so he was happy to run away.

Natasha decided she wants to be adopted by another family. I've decided being picked on by ants is no laughing matter.

Your friend,
Yakov Smirnoff


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